Beginning with the End User's License Agreement

When it comes to protecting your Windows PC from malware and viruses, there's no option but to have onboard, an antivirus system that actively monitors your system. People like me, who like to experiment, keep trying trial versions that every security software company out there dishes out. Of course, the lucky ones get paid to review. I don't. But yes I have never really bought a software off my own money. Never felt the need. 


But there are guys like chuzZoo, who are just to scared to compromise their precious data. At least that's what he told me, when he handed this shining new, seal packed, DVD jewel case containing an antivirus and firewall suite, that he had bought off the shelf of an electronics mega store. He wanted me to do the installation and activation stuff and get it running. I didn't have any issues with that for sure. After all, I'd be installing an authentic,  purchased software for the first time in my life. 


So I quickly tore apart whatever packing there was, and mounted the DVD to begin the setup. Suddenly I realised I had to take care of the cookies I had started preparing a while back in the oven. So I quickly started with the setup and handed the laptop to chuzZoo, asking him to press the next button all the time until the installation procedure was done wit, and left for the cooking shelf to look after my cookies. 


When I was thoroughly satisfied with the colour and aroma of my cookies, I switched off the oven and went back to the living room, only to find chuzZoo in one of his trade mark, deep reading modes.  I was hoping it was the manual, because that would have made my job of explaining to him, a lot easier. But, if wishes could be horses... 

Turned out, chuzZoo, had moved on to the next screen only once, when he came across the EULA or The End User Licence Agreemnt, which needed to be accepted, to continue with the installation. And my dutiful friend, made it a point to go read it. Line after line and interestingly, between the lines. 


"You don't need to read it that carefully dude. It's just a simple agreement, they won't usurp your property if you agree.", I chuckled.  


"No, but it's still pretty important. It lowers my expectations off this piece of software quite a lot. I won't expect miracles at least., chuzZoo pointed out, looking at me right into the eyes and making a point, while adjusting his spectacles. 


"Well, that's an interesting observation. I never thought a simple document as the EULA could serve such an important purpose. Innovative to say the least.", there was some real admiration for the guy's keen observation, behind whatever I said then.


"Wouldn't it be nice if every person we meet  came with an EULA too? At least for the first time... Even a generically worded one would do. You know something flashing on that certain someone's forehead or a post it slip popping out of his mouth, like those good old weighing machines at Railway Stations. Just a first hand reminder before any friendship or relationship, cautioning you against expecting too much out of it...", for once, chuzZoo was giving my imagination a run for it's money!


"Why can't you imagine the whole EULA-popping-out scenario dude?", yes, that was agreeably my last shot at trying to gain the upper hand in the conversation. 


"If I had been that good at self cautioning, I wouldn't be me man..." replied chuzZoo. 


And I was left speechless for once. Talk of upper hand... bah!

Who you are and Who'd you rather be?

Howsoever short on luck he might consider himself, chuzZoo sure is a lucky chap when it comes to real life lotteries. So, the other day he received a letter from the TATA Motors dealership, that he'd been chosen as one of the lucky lakhs to be handed the keys of a Tata Nano from the first batch of cars being rolled out. Lucky Bastard!


Now I'm not a really big fan of hatchbacks and real small ones like the Nano... no ways. But I was still kinda excited at the news. At least I'd be having a feel of driving my dream car for once. (The Porsche 911, not the Nano!) The cute small car has it's hugely small engine decked at the back - pretty Porschey for me.


So on the weekend, we drove in with his car, me behind the wheel.  The yellow winking cutey sure seemed like any high school kid's ream car. And then we partied around for some time, after all 'twas his first four wheeled chariot off his own money.


The next day I waved chuzZoo goodbye from my balcony as he proudly drove to work. I had taken the day off to work out my earnings. Yes I was thinking of getting myself a drive too. But by the end of the day, I realised my interests in philanthropy don't leave me much money to get me a nice bike or car.


And then I saw chuzZoo park in the driveway. I ran out excitedly to greet him. The look on his face told a different story though. I decided I wasn't going to spoil it more for him by going about asking. But then, he seldom hold back. "I offered a lift to a female colleague of mine and yet she preferred to go with this other guy (Name withheld on request.) He even showed his Facebook profile on his Blacberry. No, he wasn't a proverbial hunk. So I decided to check out some more.


"Does the guy have a bike?" I started with my questionnare.
"Yes. He does." chuzZoo began with the replies.


"Does he wear flashy jackets?" was my next question in the stupidly worked out questionnaire.
"Yeah, he does when off work.", came the reply.


"What about his notebook?" I fired in the next one.
"What about it. Of course he has one." chuzZoo seemed to be getting all irritated.
"No. All I asked about was the brand.", I clarified.
"It's a Mac Book Pro. What has that got to do with what happened to me today man!", yes, he'd run outta patience.


"Well, if you look at it closely, pretty much everything."

"He drives a bike, with DC accessories, wears flashy clothes and has a thing for Macs. In a way, he is out for all things good! That is what girls go for chuzZoo, unless she happens to be your bollywoodish soul mate, which as statistics say, is a rare occurrence. You know most girls won't give a second look to a guy who drives the budget model of an economy hatchback, wears formals even on a company picnic, and well, works off a laptop that he picked up from a multibrand store. Of course you could be lucky once in a while, but you ran outta your luck at the TATA Nano lottery mate."


All this while I had my back at chuzZoo, and now when I was about to turn to face him I realised I could be in for facing a heart broken man, with tears. Well, thank heavens, there was none of that. Just another curious smile and 'what next' look.


"So what do I do winZoo? "


"You could start with buying those things to lure girls. Or, you could check your priorities. What's more important to you - A girl riding pillion when you are driving back home or driving to and from work in the comfort of a closed A/C car. A notebook that only about 10% of the world's computer users use daily or a good enough Windows notebook that runs, well just about anything for half the cost! And then dear buddy, you'll see all your doubts melting away, giving way to clarity of thought..."


Gosh! I was turning Gandhian in my way of speaking already. So much for troubleshooting a friend's life...


"Guess the clarity is fast approaching me winZoo", chuzZoo replied.
"I'm way too happy with what I have for now, ready to wait for the girl who'd wanna sit in my car." the Bollywood fan in chuzZoo was coming back to life, already.


"Just one question though" he turned back before leaving.
"WHAT! They guy still has questions... No wonder he's him!", I thought.
"Of course, go ahead." I tried my best to sound polite.


"You don't have either - a bike or a car. What's your way? "


And then I recounted my numerous journeys on the Metro, and loved chuzZoo for asking the question as I smiled back and replied, "I prefer public transfer any day dude. It's like a good old Yahoo or MSN chat room minus the bots and without the need for the customary 'A-S-L' routine."


"You look, wink and smile at someone - and the Game, is ON!"


And we were laughing our hearts out...

Life's Recycle Bin

I opened my door the other day to see a rather sad and perplexed look on chuzZoo's face. I don't usually keep any sorta over the counter medicines with me, so I was hoping that it wasn't a packet of ORS that he was expecting off me. But then I saw his Dell XPS in his hand.

Ah thank God. "Looks like something I can help with.", I said.

"Something only you can help with winJoo bro.", he replied with a cheerful and expecting smile. [Apparently his Gujju genes don't allow him to pronounce Z when needed, so I'm winJoo for him and he's chooJoo for himself. BAH!]

As I opened the laptop panel, I saw a system tray popup up balloon advising the user to free up some space off his windows partition. A rather common problem with users who feed their PCs like affectionate mothers, not knowing obesity could kill the child. Anyways, I got down to work. Removing some useless applications, which included toolbars, media players I hadn't known existed, and of course emptying up a rather overflowing recycle bin.

So I was telling him how to avoid the same thing from recurring. "The shift + del combination keys allow you to send data straight out of your PC, without it entering the recycle bin, so you could use that when you are absolutely sure that you are not going to need the thing again. Keeping your HDD free is as simple as that."

chuzZoo hardly ever pays heed to whatever technical stuff I dish out. So all the while he'd been surfing through my e-scrap book on my PC. "You seem to have a lot off friends winJoo. Do you keep in touch with all of them? Are they all that close? I don't seem to have a single friend close enough..."

He was at it again... I really begin to feel giddy and awkward when innocent guys like him begin pouring out in front of me. But I let him do it, I had to be a good neighbour if nothing else.

And when he was done, I decided it was rime for me to try my hand at helping someone in need. Doing something, even I was amateur at.

"None of the people you see in there are my good friends mate. In fact I can vouch for the fact that I have fewer than you do, and the ones that I have are countable on the fingers of my right hand. [I happen to have an extra thumb :P] But yes, all of them are acquaintances. People I have known at one time, and people I tend to keep in my contacts book. Even if I know that they are the meanest of mongrels I'll ever see. Why? Because the shift + delete option isn't such a good option in the system of life. When you've got infinite storage space, you oughta use it to your advantage. I can ring up any of these when I need and I know four out of the five of them will always help back, some, because they are real good samaritans and others because they know they might need me sooner than later. Life's all about a nicely negotiated barter when you are trying hard to survive it and that's what I do. Shuffle up my life's recycle bin every now and then to find a certain someone to work up a nice barter with."

And then I looked at him. He seemed to be in awe of the guy who'd been speaking like crazy for the past five minutes or so. So was I! What was I up to? Crazy or what? But I soon regained my composure, shut down his laptop and handed it to him saying," Yeah! It's really that simple to be friends with people. You just need to know when to use you shift + delete combination, and trust me, you shouldn't be using it too often."

And he winked for once, as if to say, "I'd been listening attentively, all through mate. Thanks."

And just like that, I had found something new to do in life.

Meet the Troubleshooter

Hi people! 
[waves, pacifies, clears throat]


I am winZoo. Of course, you've heard that kind of name in the recent past... haven't you? Yes, I happen to be the estranged cousin of the now popular ZooZoo, that has been jumping on your TV screens for quite some time now. OK, agreed my physique makes me too distant a cousin of his, but believe me, we sure are cousins. No, I wasn't lost starving in the deserts of Somalia and I surely am not a fan of Kareena Kapoor's for sporting a figure '0' of my own. It's just that Vodafone adopted ZooZoo and fed him well, till he became your girlfriend's (or sister's if you still don't have one) favourite teddy bear. I waited for my break listening to Suriji telling me Haule Haule... all the time but it never happened.


And then one of the best things that could have happened to me, did. chuzZoo rented the apartment next door. He's a nice guy, chuzZoo. Too nice in fact, for this world or any other. Cooks well, cleans better, and never let's you down. That's because you let him down all the time. You, me and all of us. No, I'm not some excited homo speaking up for my partner in wake of the recent Section 377 storm. It's just that I have developed a certain kind of sympathy for this nice guy next door - the common man.


chuzZoo doesn't know a thing about his gadgets, his LED TV, his iPod, and least of all his Windows Laptop. He's so bad at troubleshooting that his laptop remains more in mine than his's. And I like to do it for him. Anything from conflicting drivers to decreasing hard disk space, I take care of it for him, all the while, listening to his life's tale of woes, or what I believe it really is. 


Here and there, I give him tips on his life too, troubleshooting it for him, and it kinda works for my suave neighbour, till he follows it right through the dotted line. 


That is where I got the idea of expanding my market into troubleshooing people's lives, creating my own big break instead of waiting for it to arrive. And Living Like Windows, is a stepping stone in the direction. A word or two before you get hooked on. If you are a windows user, you'll be just about fine, if not, you might still want to read it. The views expressed on this blog are all mine and sometimes chuzZoo's and bear no relation whatsoever to Bill Gates's and his team of techies's chain of thoughts. Do let me know if you like my ideas, quote them and give me credits please and if you happen to be the one to give others their breaks, please do let me know... until the next time, this is winZoo, signing off...
Remember, they call me the know it all guy! :P